He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?