our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
You Might Also Like
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
cry laughing at this shit
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.