Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
and this one
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
fair
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …