Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.