I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
You Might Also Like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
May never get over this
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”