*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
This is why I hate group projects