Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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i love modern commerce
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Liquor Store Parking
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
School be like
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: