He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
bro what is going on at twitter
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!