In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.