I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.