[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO