[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.