wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
🤣
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.