…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.