a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th