If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.