Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.