her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.