All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
😂😂😂
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves