i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
You Might Also Like
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.