Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.