[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You Might Also Like
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“and how does that make you feel?”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!