[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
starting a garage orchestra
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”