Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Labreador
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I think about this a lot
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.