Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Risking my life for fun.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.