remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.