Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.