Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
You Might Also Like
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
drew a comic about my origin story
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!