Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
yes, those are my real potatoes.