I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A leaf blower, but for people.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.