“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You Might Also Like
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.