What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You Might Also Like
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.