every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.