A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?