my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
hmmm
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
bought wrong eggs
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”