What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Seas the day!!!!
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
LOL!
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off