My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
A Short Story.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Safety first
Best misinterpreted text ever!
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update