The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”