So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.