When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Happy Taco Tuesday
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?