sry
You Might Also Like
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.