If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
lot going on here, legally speaking.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.