Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
You Might Also Like
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Art by Pastelkatto
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory