If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.