I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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This is amazing.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon