hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ugh but profoundly
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice