Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Message from the dog groomers
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.