If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.