My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My blood type is coffee.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.