If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock